I’ve maybe posted something along these lines before, but I feel like I live for the future. Ever since I can remember, I’ve pined for a world where my life had finally worked out. Where I could start living in the moment.
I remember being 10 years old and having been invited to my friend Ryan’s birthday party. It was a co-ed party, which at 10 is a pretty big deal. And I remember the other kids were running around outside, playing tag or something, and all I could do was sit on the front porch of Ryan’s house and think. And wish. And wait. I don’t know what compelled me to do that, or what I thought would happen, but apparently I seemed troubled enough that his mom came out to ask me what was wrong. Some of the other boys had killed some frogs, and she thought maybe that that had made me sad. It bothered me (and thinking back now, that may have been one of the formative experiences in making me a vegetarian), but I was really just waiting for the future. I was hoping that my life would start without my forcing it, that things would just… happen.
And that’s been a trend for me, the trend of just waiting and seeing what the universe throws my way. And you know what? For the most part… it’s worked. There have been so many forces in my life pushing to make me successful. And I am infinitely grateful for that. But deep down, I’m still waiting. I’ve never put the effort forth myself to actively cause something, right up until the beginning of this year when I started exercising and bettering my health and body. It was like I finally realized that I couldn’t wait for some magic event to change my life. This was something that I knew I had to do on my own, and I had to actually and actively work on it. And I feel good about that, because I’ve been getting compliments so I know that it’s obviously working… but I’m still waiting.
I’m trying to reinvent myself, and I feel like this is the year where that’s really started, but I’m also willing to accept that it could take a few years to become the person I always imagined I would be: the person who didn’t wait, but actively did. I’m getting there… I’ll just have to wait a little longer…