Archive for June 2005
So, I just got an email from Jesse Ross. Not myself, not one of my many email addresses, not even a spammer pretending to be me. But someone actually named Jesse Ross.
That’s not the funny part… this is the funny part:
I work with a guy named Rusty Elm. Rusty needed to email me something, but my standard email address wasn’t working at the moment, so I gave him my Gmail address. Rusty must have written it down wrong, and so he’s been sending me updates on some work that we’re doing to this other Jesse Ross. I haven’t noticed, because Rusty has been CC-ing my other addresses, so I’ve been getting the info. This other Jesse Ross didn’t pay attention to it at first because, well, Rusty Elm sounds like a name a spammer might use. The other Jesse Ross decides to research it, figures out I’m a real person, and lets me know.
Oh, and the other Jesse Ross has a cool project going on. I suggest you check it out if you’re into quotations, literature, or just sweet uses of technology: http://dictary.net/
I know you’re not trying to hurt me, and I’m not trying to hurt you either.
I miss you so much. You just left the house. I don’t want to be alone. Not here. Not now.
I wish you would grab me, for no reason, and hold me and tell me it’s going to be okay. Even if it’s not, I need you to tell me. I need to hold you and breathe in the smell of your hair. I miss that smell. I smell your perfume when you spray it in the house, but I miss the smell of your hair.
I really am trying to be noble. I really am trying to be pure.
And I will always be in love with you. You might not see that, or think that it’s not possible. For you, forever is a long time. But I’m not afraid of forever. I made a commitment. I made promises to you. Promises that involved forever and always. Nobility and Purity tell me to honor those promises. Being honest with myself tells me to honor those promises.
Everyone thinks I’m stupid. I’m not everyone. When have I ever let others dictate my choices?
I even try to tell myself it’s stupid to love you, but it doesn’t work, because I know the motivations behind me telling myself that, and those motivations are self-serving. Those motivations aren’t pure.
I hope that one day you realize how much you really mean to me. I don’t know if you will, because you’re not me and you don’t think like me. But I really hope that one day you are able to glimpse even just a fraction of how much I care for you. I hope that one day you see, one day you put together the pieces of my life and see how everything has lead to these moments, and you finally see. I hope that one day your mind gathers all the stories, all the memories, all the moments, and all the little things, weaves them all together and you really, truly see the way I experience you and your life.
Then you’ll know how much I love you.
Then you’ll understand why I think you’re worth it.
I gave everything for you, and I never expected anything in return.
I wanted to give you happiness. I wanted to give you a safe home. I wanted to give you another child. I wanted to grow old together, and reminisce on the past, and hold our grandchildren together. Now there is none of that. You stole my future when you promised me forever. You stole my future when your heart couldn’t keep that promise.
I hope you read this someday. And I hope you know how much it hurts me to still be in love with you.
I am thinking it’s a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they’re perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
There is nothing but everything becoming nothing.
And I don’t find that depressing at all, thank you very much.
Well, it’s really done. Tanya and are really, officially, over. The only girl I’ve ever been in love with, the girl I married once and thought I’d marry again, the girl who I have a child with… done. I guess we’ve been over for 3 weeks now, or maybe even 5 months or 8 months, depending on how you look at it or who you ask. Regardless of when it really happened, it did happen, and I’m so damn scared and alone. If you’re reading this and thinking, “WTF? Why is this guy so whiny?” or “I’m just here for Flash stuff” or whatever, then you need to leave. This is my space, and if I feel like shouting from the top of this building I’m about to jump off of, then so be it. I hate this. I hate it so much. And here I am, for two more years, providing a life for her because I made a promise to her, and because I want her to be able to finish school and provide for Ali. Two more years of watching her go out every other night, with god-knows-who, because she wants to have a life. She does deserve to be happy, but why in the hell do I need to see this and deal with this everyday. Why does this need to be a zero-sum game?
I just want some calm. For Father’s Day, please just send me some calm.